Tears unbidden

Before you read on, I want you to know this is not a post about Zach in particular.  It is about me, his mom, and my own grappling with life.  So I know this blog is about my son Zach... but he wouldn't be my son Zach if I wasn't his mom, Maria.

So nothing really traumatic is going on.  I just stopped to think.  And feel.  And it hurts.

It is much easier for me, as Zach's mom, to push my feelings under the carpet... to just go on autopilot and do what needs to be done, than it is to think about things with any real depth.

But I did, because somebody offered me an evening of uplifting.  In a church, with music and prayer and stuff.  But even the THOUGHT of this event made me cry.  The tears came, unbidden.  They streamed down my face in rivers.  And now I have to decide, do I want to go, to feel vulnerable with people I don't know, who most likely handle their child's disability BETTER and with more composure than I do?  (This has happened to me before, I speak from a place of knowledge).

Because sometimes what I really need is time to feel NORMAL, time to be away from the reality of my life by

Just
Being
Me.

A woman who needs a break, who needs to laugh and feel for some measure of time (a vacation!) as if I am not tethered by the gnarly, course, wicked ropes of autism.  TO GET AWAY from it for some much needed respite.  I am not sure being in the company of other people telling about how great their lives are living with their child's disability and handling things like super heroes is going to be much of a respite.  I imagine it will probably be more of an emotional upheaval and I will cry in front of people who have it all together, who don't get my emotionality, who will feel uncomfortable in the presence of my tears.  I am not good at hiding my real feelings.  I never have been.  I imagine myself coming home more exhausted than I left the house, curling up in my bed for more tears.

If nothing else, I know myself.

But I don't know how to politely refuse this offer... to say "I would much rather go and get some ice cream and watch a good comedy" or to say "I am not sure I can handle this at this time, but I do appreciate your offer."  I have had difficulty communicating with this person whom I love... I can't seem to get it right.  The reception is never quite what I imagine it will be.

And I am sure that is how she feels about her offers.  That she keeps trying but the reception is never quite what she imagines it will be.  I wish I could be the recipient she wants me to be.

But I am only me.  And it is easier if I don't think too hard.