On Saturday and Sunday Zach attended Brain Balance in Canton to be assessed for their program.  A lovely lady gave us a certificate for a free assessment and goodness knows if we can find anything that will increase Zach's quality of life we will do what we can to make it happen.  She has seen great progress with her son, who is 15 and wanted to extend the blessing.  I am grateful for her hope for Zach, for her extension of love and blessings.
     Sometimes it is hard not to have mixed feelings, though.  I was excited for Zach (much less so for the drive)... and also worried he would not be able to let them know what he knows or that he would get frustrated and overwhelmed.  It turned out he did well, handled everything they asked of him without getting upset at all.  For that I am thankful...   but deep in my heart of hearts I am afraid.  Afraid to hope, afraid of smoke and mirrors, afraid of so many things.  I hate to admit how much of my life involves fear, but here I am, vulnerable and open. 

    I am afraid.

  What if they don't think they can help Zach at all?  Somehow even though there have been long periods without much progress, hope is an important part of dealing with the struggle of autism as it affects Zach and, indeed, our whole family.  What if the answer is "there is nothing to be done to help enrich his life. Go home.  Continue as you have been."

     But then, what if they think they can?  I know, I know, that is the point, right?  The whole point of his being assessed and traveling back and forth 1.5 hours two days straight.  But a lot of this situation is daunting.  The travel, the expense (which I only know is "very expensive" but have not heard any real figures yet).  The certainty of UNcertainty!  If there is one thing having a son who has autism has taught me is in life there are no guarantees.

     And the worst thought of all, what if they say they can and they actually can't?  It hurts to even think about this possibility.  I know that the person who brought the program to Canton believes in it... but what if they are wrong?  What if we invest our hope, time and money in something that fails?  I don't think my heart can take any more hits.

    It is a tenuous tightrope walk.  Daring to hope, we cling to our umbrella of knowns, hoping to cross between what is and what could be.  Don't look down, don't look back, keep your eyes focused on what is in front of you.

    I guess I just wanted to be real for a moment.  I want to be positive and hopeful, and I work at it, I really do.  I put my trust in the Lord.  But I am still human, and I 

Am

Still

Afraid.